well friday we had our prep alley....it was actually ok and kind of fun...I kept sitting and standing like you would not believe....but with my guy problems I couldn't enjoy it. hes always across from where us freshman sit and well thats no fun for me....well not this time it wasn't. they played

What Ever You Like by T.I. and thats the song that makes me think of him even more so of course that just made me want to cry especially with him being right in front of me....I dont even know what to think anymore...

but this time there was a HOBO, not a JOKER but a HOBO, and the HoBO ROCKED!!! haha yet again that boy was entertainment.....it just wasnt a good job this time....the JOKER is WAAAAYYYYY better...sorry HoBo but you lost....thats about all I had to say about that whole thing......

THE JOKER IS SUPA SEXXI !!! JOKER JUSTIN 4EVA!!!!! (dood you're the coolest)

ok well this week has sucked very very badly! the first half was discent but not the remainder of the week.

What is that guys see in girls? I have yet to understand this concept, and I have questioned it before, but not to this extent. You see it all happened about a couple days ago when I found out that he had been flirting with this girl, her name is Amanda. I knew that they were talking and she was being quite touchy...I thought nothing of it.

Well I later kept talking to him like usual, he started acting all weird after the game...like he knew something...It makes sense with the fact that I did do something at the game...but was I supposed to share it with him? I kissed a girl and I liked it....just like that song by Katy Perry, but it was a pop kiss, nothing all that special right? the thing I do think of that might have caused this whole thing is when I kissed a senior on the cheek and let him sit between my legs...I thought nothing of it at the time, but well now to be honest I do think about it and I get pissed over the fact that it was lame, and I didnt mean it in any way that would show me wanting him.... but when I think about it again it brings me to the wondering conlcusion of when did having fun turn into crossing the line?

So after this whole thing, tuesday came along and he seemed annoied...but he gave in either way...as the week went on though...it just got worse and worse....so when thursday came along I was completely fed up!!! you have no clue how much stress that all this took on me and my brain. I have been getting sick and having problems with my health so that was the day when I was going to go to the doctor....if I only would have held out for that class period then nothing would have happened....but I didnt....

I wrote my note explaining how I felt and the fact that I was confused...I told him how I was lost with him and asked if there was some game we were playing..and if there was then I want to know about it too...it was actually quite stupid...but the final thing was that I was getting tired of it all...I handed it to him in the hall way. But why is it that when we really like someone we run out of things to say or dont know how to say them anymore?

At my doctors visit, it turns out that I have a problem with my nerves...I stress over so much that its taking a toll on my body....but the thing that hit me was the nerves problem...the fact that when I'm in a situation like above, where he just all of a sudden took a 180 on me and I had no clue why or what happened....that the thoughts will  ponder in my mind until finally either I drive myself insane and sick or I figure out the answer or it just isnt important to me anymore....

with that in mind...it sucks! this is like the second time I ask him questions like this, but you already know about the first time with that chick that is my friend...My bottom line with him though is Why is it SOO hard to simply put your feelings out there in the open? if he doesn't like me than thats fine, if he does then thats great if he only wants my body well I want to know....but why is it that men never want to share their thoughts about you? I dont know anymore...but he told me in the beginning that he didnt trust other people and that he didnt like to open up to knew people....yet this girl just pranced on in and BAM!!! to make matters worse, shes over there flirting with a senior named CASS, she stole him from Tang! so you know what!!! this SUCKS AND I HOPE SHE DIES AND GOES TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!

well anyway, hes taking her to sonic on monday afternoon (my guy not cass) and its official that he told her if she ever needed a ride....hes there....

well thats enough about this! I am officially crying and I dont even know what to about this anymore, I mean my friends dont like him and I told my best friend that I love to death, that I got rid of Elliot for him, you see he doesn't like Elliot and was saying that all Elliot wanted to do was fuck me and leave me....and in a way I thought that that might be true, but I know that I still didnt believe it and that I would still try to be dating him and falling for him...but doing that invests feelings and I know it would cause me so much more pain in the end than anything....so I thought I should nip it short...good thing too becuase even though I have nipped it short, I in so much pain that I dont even know what to do with myself anymore....

Last night while I was moping around though, I came to the conclusion of what I was missing...you see when I'm with him I lose all thoughts and I get all shy and...I'm calm and listen to him and I forget everything I wanted to say and all the things I wanted to ask...so I came to the conclusion that on monday I am going to go to school and act like nothing happened. I will put a smile on my face and act like a little young child which has just discovered the joys of life, I will be playful and full of joy, I will act like we're the best of playmates and if I;m accepted then I will speak of whatever I can think of....candy or traveling or well....thats when I reach a stand still....I dont quite know what I want to talk about....nothing that will lead the problem again I know that...and nothing romantic or lovey...maybe a little flirty but nothing over the top or too obvious....maybe a simple conversation....I dont know.....but I thought of being the opposite of what I normally am...I mean the cute side is me...but not the me with him....so hopefully he will see a new light be like  

wish me luck!

I plan on hopefully making some preperations to look good and ultimatly feel good....but meanwhile I need to quit moping and start smiling....moping will only make things worse on my face....so I'm going to pull a Samantha Jones and get over it....